Taking back the reigns.

Enough said. Planning session underway this evening. Good conversations had regarding goals and directions. Steps beginning to form on how to execute. I'm ready.

Cancer Sucks.

I read a shirt when we were in Houston that said CANCER SUCKS. It was right. I have found that any given moment on any given day, it can take me down to my core and rock my world. Today was one of those days. I don't know why. I try to figure it out, analyze every situation/conversation/interaction that I have experienced in the past 24 hours/week to determine if it was that event or the layering of the events that has caused me to lose it... as soon as I can figure that out, you can be sure I won't be doing it again.

But there is a bit of me that softly whispers "it takes time, this has happened before, it may happen again, let it come, heal." I just wish it were a bit louder because most of the day I hear "you are going crazy, when will I stop falling apart, why me, how did this happen?"

On my run this morning I saw a sign that said;
Take long walks,
indulge in hot baths,
question your assumptions,
Just Be.

I need to work on that. I need to work on allowing myself the space to heal. I guess that's it....

Rejuvinated.

This weekend was exactly what I needed. Lots of time with my family, just the basics... it was perfect.

After all.... how can things not be grand when hanging out with these two?!

I cannot even remember what we did on Friday night but I know that we were all together. Saturday brought a day of playing at home, doing a bit of catch-up and the fabulously special wedding of our dear friend Elaine's daughter, Laura. The wedding was at the waterfront with a pig roast afterwards. The kids made lots of friends and danced the night away. I so enjoyed sitting and watching them have such fun!

Today was full of simple perfectness. Church, a walk down at the river where we found black raspberries by the fist-full,
waded in the river,
played a bit of Frisbee golf
and picked flowers.
David and I did a bit more catch-up, we'd fallen behind these past few crazy months but we're feeling more on top of things now. We had a delightful dinner of local veggies and wild rice and then headed out for a family bike ride. The boys did a bit of trail riding along the river and Amelia rode behind me and kept giving me hugs - still makes me smile! I got to read everyone stories tonight and as I sit here typing I'm remembering a conversation I had at the Grain Train today with another survivor about the blessing that this journey brings with it.... the realization the every moment is a gift, really every breath should take your breath away. Life is so precious and amazing. I'm so lucky and blessed.

What's Up.

We are now more than 4 weeks post 2nd surgery and we are back on track! Yipee!

What have we been up to.... what don't I want to forget... why haven't I been taking any pictures?! Life has been so much fun, actually we may be bordering on too much fun (is that possible?!) since the kids are so exhausted. We have had late nights, trips up North, hours on the boat to stop at the sand bar and launch ourselves off the drop off only to continue the trip into Cedarville to grab pizza and icecream by the dock, tubing (first for Amelia who shreeked with glee and first time back for Mom!), evenings with wine on the porch with David (heavenly!), family date nights by bike to Bay Harbor to have dinner by the boats and stroll with ice cream, friends coming to visit, slow quiet moments snuggled with my babies and books (we may need to incorporate more of these), post-dinner trips to the beach on hot nights where everyone comes home sandy and dripping, Sunday brunches with new friends up in the Les Cheneaux, sailing classes for my dear boy, mid-day trips to jump off the dock down at the waterfront, sunset dinners at the Rose Garden with college roommates, dinner with my Higgins Lake girls, lots of kisses and hugs from the kids, Amelia riding her two wheeler, discovering Monarch caterpillars, chrysalis and butterflies on the Milkweed near the cabin with the kids and needing to back to watch their progress on several occasions, knitting a sweater for my love.... I am so blessed and grateful to be alive.

I could go on and on. I vow to take more pictures!

Peeks at the week.

It's been a blast - what can I say! Ben has been playing and loving soccer (he works so hard on the field and is a pure joy to watch having so much fun!), Amelia visited her new preschool and is thrilled, we all planted two new perennial beds and all of our veggies and herbs, David had a birthday and coached the boys track team at the regional meet, and I took my first Zumba class!

Last Friday Ben, Amelia and I headed up to Pond Hill Farm to pick up our first of the year CSA. I was worried that we wouldn't be able to use up an entire share but I'm pleased to say that we ate through the entire thing and I've had to restock at the Grain Train to get us through the week! Go green veggies! It's a beautiful drive around the Bay, through Harbor Springs and then over the bluff looking out at Lake Michigan. When we arrived we were so pleased to find a new batch of ducklings hanging out in the yard! We admired the yellow feathered friends, chatted with the pigs to wonder why they didn't have any babies (Amelia was hoping!), played on the play ground, wished for quarters to launch squashes from the rockets (my guess is that Ben will remember precious quarters from his piggy bank this week!) and marveled at the contrast between the sky and the trees.

"Mama piggy, why don't you have any babies? I'm here to love them..."

Practicing his form on the squash rocket.

We definitely have our moments but overall... he's an amazing big brother and she loves him!

As we left the farm we decided to detour and headed to Thornswift Nature Preserve. The kids ran through the trails finding morels, naming Marsh Marigolds and remembering times when they fell off the board walk into the muck. We followed the path down to the beach and threw rocks in the the lake until the cold fog required Mom to retreat with reluctant kiddies in tow. I promised that next time we could take the longer trail!

I'm always having to run to keep up!

My favorite little Poison Ivy.

I feel so lucky to live where my kids daily activities are this....

I know... we're not supposed to take anything out of the woods but she found her very own morel! and... obviously, she wasn't looking at the camera the way Ben wanted her to.

Forget-me-nots, always a good reminder...

I love that they stop to admire and that I can be here to watch them.

On our way through Harbor Springs we had to check on our favorite deer park and take a few pictures of boats in the harbor. It was amazingly beautiful (as always!).

Oh, and we wrapped up the day with rhubarb-strawberry crisp - yum!!

David and I are heading out to Traverse City tonight with our friends to stay at a B&B, ride bikes to dinner and then the girls have a yoga class tomorrow morning. I'm loving our new resolve to HAVE MORE FUN! In fact, I've never felt better in years!

Dates with my little man.

Today was a fantastic day. I spent this morning with Ben in his class. He is so sweet to me, a thoughtful listener and a good friend. When I arrived he ran up and gave me a huge hug, and promptly shared his muffin with me so that I could partake in snack time.

I am so proud of the work that he does at school and who he is becoming. One of my greatest pleasures is to work in Ben's classroom. I love to be with him and watch him interact and thrive.

We went to lunch after school - just the two of us. He sat taking in all of the scenery at the Pub and we had a delightful time. One of the best things about being on a date with Ben is getting to hold his hand. It is still so small but feels so firm and strong. I love that he still likes to hold my hand, I love to be with him.

Ben has been intrigued with knitting so on our way home we stopped at the craft store and he now has his own pair of needles and is working on a dishcloth to give to his teacher as an end of the year gift. He sat with me for a few moments but then wanted to concentrate on his own - he's so determined. He spent 45 minutes or so this afternoon working on his gift.


We then ran some errands and the kids were awesome. We had a great time and returned home in time to dig in the dirt. Both Ben and Amelia put on their gardening gloves and we planted lettuce, cauliflower, broccoli and the last of the flowers. They loved digging in the dirt.

When David got home I was going to go for a quick run before we had a family date night out for dinner. Ben asked if he could come and quickly dropped his shovel and came running. I hesitated and told him that I would be back in just a bit (why?!), he persisted and jumped on his bike and we had the best time! When I told him how much fun I was having he said "see mom, you always say no but I know better!". He was right! I need to continue to be vigulent and spend my time doing the things that matter most.

Ben is my secretively sensitive one. I'm afraid that all of this has been harder on both of my kids than they let on. Throughout our run Ben continued to compliment me on how well I was doing, getting stronger, running as fast as I used to. At the end he mentioned something about dying. I'm hoping it was a matter of speach... I told him that I had absolutely no intention of going anywhere. I love you way to much to go anywhere. I will be here to see you and your sister grow up. Damn it.

Amelia mentioned to my mom today that her Mommy and Daddy weren't going to leave again so she didn't think I would let her stay at She She's. I have to have surgery again in June so we'll be gone again....


When Ben and I got home from our run the four of us headed downtown for dinner. Ben rode his scooter and Amelia rode on Daddy's sholders. We went to Pallette for dinner and we had a ball! The kids were delightful, the food was amazing! We shared our "oranges". Ben's was our run, Amelia's was going out for dinner as a family. Amelia snuggled on my lap for part fo the time. I love my snuggle bugs. At the end we shared an amazing chocolate dessert and headed up the hill for home and bed. I got to kiss everyone to sleep. I'm so lucky. I wish I could bottle them and keep them safe forever.

Vacations - ahhh.... so good!

We snuck away for a few days of rest and relaxation in Texas and have decided that we need to do it more often! Kids are happy, parents are well rested, we've explored and tasted the ocean, snuggled, sat in the sun, excercised, visited friends (new and old), zooed it (yes, I think it can be a verb!) and read inspiring books that are helping us gain a sense of control over the uncontrollable.

Just a few pics of the past few days.