Peeks at the week.

It's been a blast - what can I say! Ben has been playing and loving soccer (he works so hard on the field and is a pure joy to watch having so much fun!), Amelia visited her new preschool and is thrilled, we all planted two new perennial beds and all of our veggies and herbs, David had a birthday and coached the boys track team at the regional meet, and I took my first Zumba class!

Last Friday Ben, Amelia and I headed up to Pond Hill Farm to pick up our first of the year CSA. I was worried that we wouldn't be able to use up an entire share but I'm pleased to say that we ate through the entire thing and I've had to restock at the Grain Train to get us through the week! Go green veggies! It's a beautiful drive around the Bay, through Harbor Springs and then over the bluff looking out at Lake Michigan. When we arrived we were so pleased to find a new batch of ducklings hanging out in the yard! We admired the yellow feathered friends, chatted with the pigs to wonder why they didn't have any babies (Amelia was hoping!), played on the play ground, wished for quarters to launch squashes from the rockets (my guess is that Ben will remember precious quarters from his piggy bank this week!) and marveled at the contrast between the sky and the trees.

"Mama piggy, why don't you have any babies? I'm here to love them..."

Practicing his form on the squash rocket.

We definitely have our moments but overall... he's an amazing big brother and she loves him!

As we left the farm we decided to detour and headed to Thornswift Nature Preserve. The kids ran through the trails finding morels, naming Marsh Marigolds and remembering times when they fell off the board walk into the muck. We followed the path down to the beach and threw rocks in the the lake until the cold fog required Mom to retreat with reluctant kiddies in tow. I promised that next time we could take the longer trail!

I'm always having to run to keep up!

My favorite little Poison Ivy.

I feel so lucky to live where my kids daily activities are this....

I know... we're not supposed to take anything out of the woods but she found her very own morel! and... obviously, she wasn't looking at the camera the way Ben wanted her to.

Forget-me-nots, always a good reminder...

I love that they stop to admire and that I can be here to watch them.

On our way through Harbor Springs we had to check on our favorite deer park and take a few pictures of boats in the harbor. It was amazingly beautiful (as always!).

Oh, and we wrapped up the day with rhubarb-strawberry crisp - yum!!

David and I are heading out to Traverse City tonight with our friends to stay at a B&B, ride bikes to dinner and then the girls have a yoga class tomorrow morning. I'm loving our new resolve to HAVE MORE FUN! In fact, I've never felt better in years!

Dates with my little man.

Today was a fantastic day. I spent this morning with Ben in his class. He is so sweet to me, a thoughtful listener and a good friend. When I arrived he ran up and gave me a huge hug, and promptly shared his muffin with me so that I could partake in snack time.

I am so proud of the work that he does at school and who he is becoming. One of my greatest pleasures is to work in Ben's classroom. I love to be with him and watch him interact and thrive.

We went to lunch after school - just the two of us. He sat taking in all of the scenery at the Pub and we had a delightful time. One of the best things about being on a date with Ben is getting to hold his hand. It is still so small but feels so firm and strong. I love that he still likes to hold my hand, I love to be with him.

Ben has been intrigued with knitting so on our way home we stopped at the craft store and he now has his own pair of needles and is working on a dishcloth to give to his teacher as an end of the year gift. He sat with me for a few moments but then wanted to concentrate on his own - he's so determined. He spent 45 minutes or so this afternoon working on his gift.


We then ran some errands and the kids were awesome. We had a great time and returned home in time to dig in the dirt. Both Ben and Amelia put on their gardening gloves and we planted lettuce, cauliflower, broccoli and the last of the flowers. They loved digging in the dirt.

When David got home I was going to go for a quick run before we had a family date night out for dinner. Ben asked if he could come and quickly dropped his shovel and came running. I hesitated and told him that I would be back in just a bit (why?!), he persisted and jumped on his bike and we had the best time! When I told him how much fun I was having he said "see mom, you always say no but I know better!". He was right! I need to continue to be vigulent and spend my time doing the things that matter most.

Ben is my secretively sensitive one. I'm afraid that all of this has been harder on both of my kids than they let on. Throughout our run Ben continued to compliment me on how well I was doing, getting stronger, running as fast as I used to. At the end he mentioned something about dying. I'm hoping it was a matter of speach... I told him that I had absolutely no intention of going anywhere. I love you way to much to go anywhere. I will be here to see you and your sister grow up. Damn it.

Amelia mentioned to my mom today that her Mommy and Daddy weren't going to leave again so she didn't think I would let her stay at She She's. I have to have surgery again in June so we'll be gone again....


When Ben and I got home from our run the four of us headed downtown for dinner. Ben rode his scooter and Amelia rode on Daddy's sholders. We went to Pallette for dinner and we had a ball! The kids were delightful, the food was amazing! We shared our "oranges". Ben's was our run, Amelia's was going out for dinner as a family. Amelia snuggled on my lap for part fo the time. I love my snuggle bugs. At the end we shared an amazing chocolate dessert and headed up the hill for home and bed. I got to kiss everyone to sleep. I'm so lucky. I wish I could bottle them and keep them safe forever.

Vacations - ahhh.... so good!

We snuck away for a few days of rest and relaxation in Texas and have decided that we need to do it more often! Kids are happy, parents are well rested, we've explored and tasted the ocean, snuggled, sat in the sun, excercised, visited friends (new and old), zooed it (yes, I think it can be a verb!) and read inspiring books that are helping us gain a sense of control over the uncontrollable.

Just a few pics of the past few days.

Celebrations!

She takes my breath away.

My baby girl turned three! I don't have to have chemo!

As I sit her I'm wrapped in a cashmere blanket one of my dearest friends sent me when Ben was born, listening to the comforting sound of our heat running, watching and listening to a gorgeous spring thunderstorm, sipping my favorite tea - life is beautiful.

Amelia's birthday was perfect, she's "free!". But... she's "Not a big girl!". I'm with her, she's my big, little girl and probably always will be. She is so independent, but still loves to snuggle in. A few weeks ago she wanted to know if people thought she was my nurse. Hmmmm... I thought, why? "Because I take such good care of you.". She held my hand, encouraged me that I would get a little better and a little better, told me to put one foot in front of the other, and yes, baby girl, I bet people do think you're my nurse. Come to think of it, she was so right on. I would/will get a little better and I only needed to put one foot in front of the other.

But, I digress, back to her birthday! The day was sunny but cool. I got to spend time outside drawing with chalk and blowing bubbles with Ben while Amelia enthusiastically chased them around the yard. Daddy arrived with a huge bunch of pink and purple balloons (which is quickly becoming a birthday tradition at our home) and Amelia ran down the sidewalk shreaking with delight! We ordered Julienne Tomatoes, had a delightful lunch, savored She She's chocolate angel food cake complete with a TinkerBell fairy on top, and opened presents lovingly filled with fairies, princesses, and dress-up. My girl was thrilled and so was I. It was a beautiful day.

Tinkerbelle cake courtesy of She She.

Setting the table for her party!

I realized during this whole process that I used to be sad as I watched Ben and Amelia turn another year older. I mourned the passing of time. Thursday was really a celebration for me of how much they have grown, how much I love them and who they are becoming, and the time I have been with them. Much better perspective, I like that!

Switching gears...

I had a rough couple of days this past week and so David took Thursday and Friday off to just be with me and the kids. I seem to be most comfortable when he is around. I am feeling stronger now though so hope to resume a revised normal schedule this week.

On Friday, the kids went with my in-laws out to their 80 acres just outside of town to have a little lunch-time cook out. David and I decided to walk the beautiful new trail along the river that runs through town. I wanted to find out if my Onco test was in (an amazing, relatively new test that can determine a) how likely it is that the cancer will return and b) how receptive the cells are to chemotherapy treatment). We were getting bounced around and placed on hold a ton, which was a new experience for us with MDAnderson and we spent the first 15 minutes of our walk waiting. And then, we came around a bend in the trail and one of my girlfriends and her kids were there. I have been so blessed to be surrounded by amazing friendships. I knew the moment we saw her that the news would be good. And... it was! My cancer is highly unlikely to return and at most I would receive a 2% benefit from chemo - No Thank You! Houston, we're moving on!

I am making plans, enjoying every day, able to sleep on my side (yes!), excersizing a bit, hugging my kids and husband more and working on breathing and slowing down a bit. Life is so precious.... don't you know?!

Oh... another highlight of the week was escaping to the woods for the afternoon. We hadn't done this is too long!

Give him some mud and a stick!

We were all smiles!

My loves.

My girl found a deer print - she was so proud!

I removed the rocks and fallen logs

from our little stream

and the brook lost its laughter and forgot its song.

Then I understood why when I prayed

“Oh Lord, take all my troubles away” the answer came

“Are you sure you want this my child?”

-Harold E. Kohn

Now.... off to find rain boots. We have some puddles to jump in!

Cancer.

It has been 4.5 weeks since I have been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Hmmm.... what do I say about this. I am supposed to journal and I figured since this has typically been where I seem to sit and reflect I'll start here.

When I found out that I had cancer I immediately called David who was home with the kids. He has been my rock throughout this entire process and I would not have made it through without him. He has watched me cry, made me laugh, held my hand, walked me through, kept me on task, lifted me up and loved me. I am so very, very lucky. When I told him that it was bad news, he thought I was terminally ill, I'm definitely not but I can only imagine what that moment was like - he hasn't told me. I called my Dad in Colorado and as a result within 24 hours my Mom was home to be with my kids (who are amazingly resilient and compassionate, I am so, so proud of them), my Dad was driving across the country and David and I were headed downstate to see our first specialist. This is the first of many blessings I have received, my family is amazing in so many ways.

Our first appointment was with Dr. Brown in Detroit who assured me that this was not only beatable but curable, he met with us after-hours. We then drove across the state to see a breast specialist in Grand Rapids. Her entire team was wonderful. I shed so many tears, was terrified, horrified by the process I would have to go through and had a powerful moment of clarity that day (while having an MRI that startled me every time it started a new scan, my nerves were so jumpy already) and I'm so thankful that day is done. All of the tests they ran that day started the ball rolling and we were so grateful to have all the results come back in a positive manner. I am hormone sensitive, I do not carry the genetic mutation (which helps to protect my kids and nieces), and my MRI scan and chest x-ray were clear meaning there was not cancer anywhere else. I received all of the phone calls regarding these tests while we were home preparing to head to Houston and MDAnderson and each was a small victory.

Gift #2 - We have been blessed with amazing friends. We have been surrounded by our friends who have supported us in so many ways; making specialists and appointments available to us at a moments notice, hospitality beyond imagination, conversations in person and over the phone, listening, clearing busy schedules to pick my mom up at the airport and bring her to the hospital moments before my surgery, hugs, cards, food, prayers, play-dates with the kids, picking Ben up for school, rushing to have our home back together moments before we returned home, chats over tea, pink bracelets that my dearest friends and mom wear to show their support.... I know that I am forgetting so many things but because of our community and friends we were able to slide through this process and I am so grateful.

MDAnderson and the Villa family. Amazing. Lucie and Mark walked us through this entire process and because of them I was operated on by the best surgeons in the country. They opened their home to us, took us to appointments, called us to check in throughout the day, talked to us (even through my tears), shared their opinions and unsurpassed expertise (Mark is a breast reconstructive surgeon at MDAnderson) and opened the opportunity for us to play with their kids which was probably the most therapeutic experience I could have had other than being with my own. I can't even begin to type what they did for us. It was beyond words. They are an amazing family.

We arrived in Houston late Sunday night and Monday morning we started our appointments that were pretty much non-stop until Thursday when I had my surgery. Dr. Kelly Hunt's surgical schedule is not even on Thursday but for some reason she came in to operate on me. I'm still baffled by this. She is a world renowned expert - I am so grateful. Dr. Chang, my plastic surgeon is also world renowned - I am so humbled. Mark told me that I had the A team. David reminded me moments before my surgery when I was ready to leave and just forget that all of this was happening, that a) he wore his running shoes in the event he needed to chase me down and that b) I would wake up from my 7 hour rest (I was so tired) cancer free and with two new boobs - got to love him!

Much of our time in Houston has turned into a blur but a few things stand out. Tearful walks with David holding my hand constantly reminding me of the plan and our reasoning for why it was the best course of action for us, dinner with the Villa's, the amazing staff at MDAnderson who reminded me to not look into the darkness but always stay in the light, meeting Melissa what has shared her faith and prayers, phone calls back home, how at some moments I felt so alone and at others I was reminded of how loved I am.

And then I woke up from surgery. Once the plan had been executed I thought the battle would be done. I must admit that I did not expect to come home to the internal turmoil that I experienced. I was tired, mangled, sore, stiff and so desperate to return to my old self. I felt a bit like a shell of myself. I put myself into bed for an entire day, not even brushing my teeth. I have a favorite sweater that I wore for pretty much a week after I got home. My family has made sure that I have not been alone and someone has always been here to support me with whatever I need. Often times it has been taking care of my kids so that I could wander through the rooms of my house trying to sort out my head. This is beginning to change.

I have gone to see someone who told me that it is because of my personality and previous ability to navigate disappointments that I am not well equipped to handle trauma - I've haven't had to much. He assured me that I will be fine and yet told that I will have to deal with this, not skirt the issue as I would like (damn!). He is right, I will be fine. I am feeling much better and yet I know that I will have bad days again but I am prepared to roll with them and understand that healing is taking place. I have had healing massages and doing something that is good for me but not traumatic has been so good. I visited with my priest. I have been in awe of the blessings and layers of "coincidences" that have occurred throughout this process. I am so aware that I have not been alone and my path has been cleared for me.

I am feeling quite confident that other than the diagnosis of cancer, this has been one of the most powerful phases of my life.

I have just received hugs and kisses from little ones who have woken up so I'm off to enjoy another day. I am so blessed.

Dancing Fairies and Tough Cookies

No pictures to commemorate this awesome phase we're in (yet!). But.... I have a little fairy who dances and twirls anytime there's music or better yet, when she creates her own fantastic sweet little songs. She has her first ballet class today and she is more than beyond excited! Her cheering crew will be arriving at the studio with her and all (Mommy, Daddy, and Ben) of us are ready to show her how awesome she is! Her brother is probably as excited as she is.

As I type she's goovin to the music playing to my computer. So sweet!

As for my tough cookie..... I love how harded he is. He is not one to back down from anything that he wants. Sometimes (often?!) this poses a heartache on my part and exhausts me but this personality trait is going to serve him so well in so many situations! I was reminded of his determination yesterday when he was learning to skate on hockey skates - rather than his figure skates that he had mastered. Despite the fact that there were other boys cruising past him while he was flailing, he gritted his teeth and was determined to be flying around the rink with them as soon as possible. He would observe, try, fall, stand up, observe, fall, stand up, you get the idea.... I probably would have packed up my skates and left, knowing that I would NOT be returning to that situation again. Whereas Ben is more than certain that he will persevere. He's ready to ignore his bumps, bruises and sore bum and head back to the rink as soon as it opens today! I'm so proud of his determination!

On my front, I'm determined to have some pictures of all of this soon!!!

When it starts like this.... It's bound to be good.

Happy New Years! Here's a view of our New Years Eve celebration in downtown Petoskey.

So, I'll admit, this past hour or so was not the best (this mom was a bit neurotic!) but despite this momentary blip, the past day has been an awesome start to the New Year! 2010 was amazing in so many ways, we grew, gained independence, learned much, became more compassionate, stretched and found ourselves. We have certainty that 2011 will be even better. We have plans in place, our momentum is moving in a fantastic direction and are looking forward to the ride!

We wrapped up 2010 and welcomed in 2011 in our kind of style and if all continues along the same direction we are golden!

We are looking for a bit of adventure in 2011, even if it's the last minute decision to join friends in Bellaire, Mi at Short's Brewery for lunch. That being said, we have even bigger (after all, you can't get much better than lunch with the Berglunds!) plans brewing! We'll just see where the year takes us....



We are going to continue to make family and good friends our focus. After all, isn't that what this is all about?

We started 2011 with a New Years day morning run with Papa and She She.

Enjoying the simple things will remain at the center of what we do.


Let the games begin! 2011, we're ready.