It has been 4.5 weeks since I have been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Hmmm.... what do I say about this. I am supposed to journal and I figured since this has typically been where I seem to sit and reflect I'll start here.
When I found out that I had cancer I immediately called David who was home with the kids. He has been my rock throughout this entire process and I would not have made it through without him. He has watched me cry, made me laugh, held my hand, walked me through, kept me on task, lifted me up and loved me. I am so very, very lucky. When I told him that it was bad news, he thought I was terminally ill, I'm definitely not but I can only imagine what that moment was like - he hasn't told me. I called my Dad in Colorado and as a result within 24 hours my Mom was home to be with my kids (who are amazingly resilient and compassionate, I am so, so proud of them), my Dad was driving across the country and David and I were headed downstate to see our first specialist. This is the first of many blessings I have received, my family is amazing in so many ways.
Our first appointment was with Dr. Brown in Detroit who assured me that this was not only beatable but curable, he met with us after-hours. We then drove across the state to see a breast specialist in Grand Rapids. Her entire team was wonderful. I shed so many tears, was terrified, horrified by the process I would have to go through and had a powerful moment of clarity that day (while having an MRI that startled me every time it started a new scan, my nerves were so jumpy already) and I'm so thankful that day is done. All of the tests they ran that day started the ball rolling and we were so grateful to have all the results come back in a positive manner. I am hormone sensitive, I do not carry the genetic mutation (which helps to protect my kids and nieces), and my MRI scan and chest x-ray were clear meaning there was not cancer anywhere else. I received all of the phone calls regarding these tests while we were home preparing to head to Houston and MDAnderson and each was a small victory.
Gift #2 - We have been blessed with amazing friends. We have been surrounded by our friends who have supported us in so many ways; making specialists and appointments available to us at a moments notice, hospitality beyond imagination, conversations in person and over the phone, listening, clearing busy schedules to pick my mom up at the airport and bring her to the hospital moments before my surgery, hugs, cards, food, prayers, play-dates with the kids, picking Ben up for school, rushing to have our home back together moments before we returned home, chats over tea, pink bracelets that my dearest friends and mom wear to show their support.... I know that I am forgetting so many things but because of our community and friends we were able to slide through this process and I am so grateful.
MDAnderson and the Villa family. Amazing. Lucie and Mark walked us through this entire process and because of them I was operated on by the best surgeons in the country. They opened their home to us, took us to appointments, called us to check in throughout the day, talked to us (even through my tears), shared their opinions and unsurpassed expertise (Mark is a breast reconstructive surgeon at MDAnderson) and opened the opportunity for us to play with their kids which was probably the most therapeutic experience I could have had other than being with my own. I can't even begin to type what they did for us. It was beyond words. They are an amazing family.
We arrived in Houston late Sunday night and Monday morning we started our appointments that were pretty much non-stop until Thursday when I had my surgery. Dr. Kelly Hunt's surgical schedule is not even on Thursday but for some reason she came in to operate on me. I'm still baffled by this. She is a world renowned expert - I am so grateful. Dr. Chang, my plastic surgeon is also world renowned - I am so humbled. Mark told me that I had the A team. David reminded me moments before my surgery when I was ready to leave and just forget that all of this was happening, that a) he wore his running shoes in the event he needed to chase me down and that b) I would wake up from my 7 hour rest (I was so tired) cancer free and with two new boobs - got to love him!
Much of our time in Houston has turned into a blur but a few things stand out. Tearful walks with David holding my hand constantly reminding me of the plan and our reasoning for why it was the best course of action for us, dinner with the Villa's, the amazing staff at MDAnderson who reminded me to not look into the darkness but always stay in the light, meeting Melissa what has shared her faith and prayers, phone calls back home, how at some moments I felt so alone and at others I was reminded of how loved I am.
And then I woke up from surgery. Once the plan had been executed I thought the battle would be done. I must admit that I did not expect to come home to the internal turmoil that I experienced. I was tired, mangled, sore, stiff and so desperate to return to my old self. I felt a bit like a shell of myself. I put myself into bed for an entire day, not even brushing my teeth. I have a favorite sweater that I wore for pretty much a week after I got home. My family has made sure that I have not been alone and someone has always been here to support me with whatever I need. Often times it has been taking care of my kids so that I could wander through the rooms of my house trying to sort out my head. This is beginning to change.
I have gone to see someone who told me that it is because of my personality and previous ability to navigate disappointments that I am not well equipped to handle trauma - I've haven't had to much. He assured me that I will be fine and yet told that I will have to deal with this, not skirt the issue as I would like (damn!). He is right, I will be fine. I am feeling much better and yet I know that I will have bad days again but I am prepared to roll with them and understand that healing is taking place. I have had healing massages and doing something that is good for me but not traumatic has been so good. I visited with my priest. I have been in awe of the blessings and layers of "coincidences" that have occurred throughout this process. I am so aware that I have not been alone and my path has been cleared for me.
I am feeling quite confident that other than the diagnosis of cancer, this has been one of the most powerful phases of my life.
I have just received hugs and kisses from little ones who have woken up so I'm off to enjoy another day. I am so blessed.
